The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
