You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
