4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
zippers are such a cool invention
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
