Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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