I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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