So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I need moral support for this bender
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
