Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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