Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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