Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
