So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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