He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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