Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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