I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How external is "for external use only"?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
