i wish my penis had a tongue
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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