oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
