I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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