She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Two words: nipple clamps
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