I look better un-naked...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
