Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
