mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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