You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize