He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
