Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize