my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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