The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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