Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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