Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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