if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
