Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
