If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
