the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
