apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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