seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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