turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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