Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
