Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
