Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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