I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you will always have a special place in my vag
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
