fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
