You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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