every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
