Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize