dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
