he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize