I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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