You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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