My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
