At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
