I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
