he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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