I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize