the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
