I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
