Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
