Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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