mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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