drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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