No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
